dear grads,

Back in June, I found this quote by playwright Tony Kushner in The Christian Science Monitor, a portion of his message to the Muhlenberg College graduating class of 2011.  I thought it was really great...

"Everywhere, the world is in need of repair.  Fix it.  Solve these things.  You need only the tools that you have learned here, even if you didn't pay as much attention as you should, even if you're a mess and broke and facing a future of economic terror.  Who isn't?  Who doesn't?

Help.  Help.  Help.  The world is calling.  Heal the world, and in the process, heal yourself.  Find the human in yourself by finding the citizen, the activist, the hero.  Down with the brutal-minded misadventurers.  Go after them.  You know where they are...

Duty calls.  The world calls.  Get active.  No summer vacation, no rest for you.  We have been waiting too long for you.  We need your contribution too desperately, and if they tell you your contribution is meaningless, if they tell you the fix is in and there's no contribution to be made, if they tell you to contribute by shopping your credit card into exhaustion, if they tell you to surrender to the brilliant, dazzling confusion your education should have engendered in you, exchange that quick-silver prolificity for dull monotone certainty, productive only of aggression born of boredom and violence, born of fear, born of stupidity, they're lying.  Don't trust them; get rid of them.  You know how they are.  Shout down the devil."

In the same collection of commencement speeches, Elie Wiesel said this to the kids at Washington University in Saint Louis:

"My commandment is, 'Thou shalt not stand idly by."  Which means when you witness an injustice, don't stand idly by...  when you enter this world and you say the world is not good today, good!  Correct it!"

**********

Over the summer, I had several random conversations with various fresh-out-of-school-20-somethings.  While speaking with them, I was transported to the days, the months, the years of excitement, hilarity, wonder, confusion and depression following my own college graduation.

15 years ago, I had this glamorous image of what life would be like as a young, independent adult.  I pictured myself sort of like Rachael on Friends, surrounded by attractive buddies, working as a fashion-y something-or-other with bouncy hair, laughing and dating my way to 30.  But that's not what happened.  Like, really, um, not at all, you know?     

I spent most of that decade in a fog of high expectations and draining disappointments.  That degree I worked so hard to earn completed my resume but it didn't provide me with much needed direction.  So I floated aimlessly for a long time...  and I cried a lot.  I kept thinking, I'll be happy when I find a job.  I'll be happy when I make lots of money.  Then I'd find a job and feel happy for a little while, then I'd realize that the job didn't appease my confused mind after all.  So I'd search for another opportunity.  Another happy place.  And in the meantime, I'd cry some more.

I thought that money and employment would give me an identity, give me status, give me self value.  I'd be able to buy a new wardrobe filled with expensive brand names, lease a car with a sunroof and leather seats, rent a sweet apartment on Beacon Hill, dine regularly at hot restaurants and run with a fun party crowd.  I thought I needed to HAVE in order to BE.  Be we don't HAVE happy; we ARE happy.  We can't pick up the latest "Happiness" at Saks or sell vintage "Joy" on Ebay.  It cannot be bought or stolen or borrowed.  It's something that we just have to figure out how to BE while society is screaming for us to just HAVE.

What's so great about "having" when half the world is suffering?

I wonder if we, as a human race, would find REAL JOY if we embarked on our 20's with a different goal.  With a goal to use our education to BE happy and SPREAD happy instead of to BUY happy.  It'd be an enormous shift.  I mean, if you could die happy or die rich, which would you pick?  (No, they are not mutually exclusive and, yes, I know that our nation is built upon capitalism, but let's just pick one for the sake of seeing which of the two holds more clout...)

You picked happiness, right?  I knew you would!  :-)  There's a reason The Dalai Lama is so confident when he states that the purpose of living is to be happy.  When we open up our interpersonal conversations to bigger ideas and talk about shifting away from status quo, real change becomes possible.  We can awaken to what is really important, understanding that there is a big world out there full of people who need help finding their own happy places.  I'm not talking about dropping our lives and moving to Africa to build schools (though that would be amazing).  There is joy and healing to be administered in our own communities, be it environmental, spiritual or otherwise, which may not cost a dime to do.  And that is, like, totally, like, inspiring.  Seriously.

If I could zap a message into my own 20-something brain, it'd be, "Stop focusing on the money, the status, the stuff.  Ironically, it matters very little.  This is a confusing time.  So just survive for a little while.  Stop thinking and take time to listen.  Understand the bigger picture.  Acknowledge the goddess that lives within, a goddess of pure love.  If you let it, in time that love will bring joy to the world and value to your life.  And in the meantime, find happiness in this very moment.  Right now.  And now....  oh, and this is a joyful one...  and this one, too..."

Peace, love, gratitude...  and, like, happiness, you know?
v

letter from chief seathl (seattle) to president franklin pierce, 1854

Chief Seathl

I found this letter in a book called Mother Earth Spirituality by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man.  Please read mindfully...

***********

"The Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land.  The Great Chief also sends us words of friendship and good will.  This is kind of him, since we know he has little need of our friendship in return.  But we will consider your offer.  For we know that if we do not sell, the white man may come with guns and take our land.

How can you buy or sell the sky, the warmth of the land?  The idea is strange to us.  If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to my people.  Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clearing, and every humming insect is hold in the memory and experience of my people.  The sap which courses through the trees carries the memories of the red man.  So, when the Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land, he asks much of us...

Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth.  Man did no t weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it.  Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.  But we will consider your offer to go to the reservation you have for my people.  We will live apart, and in peace.

It matters little where we spend the rest of our days.  Our children have seen their fathers humbled in defeat.  Our warriors have felt the shame, and after defeat they turn their days in idleness and contaminate their bodies with sweet foods and strong drinks.  It matters little where we spend the rest of our days.  They are not many.  A few more hours, a few more winters, and none of the great tribes that once lived on this earth or that roam now in small bands in the woods will be left to mourn the graves of a people once as powerful and hopeful as yours.  But why should I mourn the passing of my people?  Tribes are made of men, nothing more.  Men come and go, like the waves of the sea.  Even the white man, whose God walks and talks with him as friend to friend, cannot be exempt from the common destiny.

One thing we know, which the white man may one day discover - our God is the same God.  You may think now that you own Him as you wish to own our land:  but you cannot.  He is the God of man; and his compassion is equal for the red man and teh white.  This earth is precious to Him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator.  The whites too shall pass; perhaps sooner than all other tribes.  Continue to contaminate your bed, and you will one night suffocate in your own waste.

But in your perishing you will shine brightly, fired by the strength of the God who brought you to this land and for some special purpose gave you dominion over this land and over the red man.  That destiny is a mystery to us, for we do not understand when the buffalo are all slaughtered, the wild horses are tamed, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by talking wires.  Where is the thicket?  Gone.  Where is the eagle?  Gone.  And what is to say goodbye to the swift pony and the hunt?  The end of living and the beginning of survival.  So we will consider your offer to buy the land.

If we agree it will be to secure the reservation you have promised.  There, perhaps, we may live out our brief days as we wish.  When the last red man has vanished from the earth, and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, these shores and forests will still hold the spirits of my people.  For they love this earth as a newborne loves its mother's heartbeat.  So, if we sell our land, love it as we've loved it.  Care for it as we've cared for it.  Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you take it.  And with all your strength, with all your mind, with all your heart, preserve it for your children, and love it...  as God loves us all.  One thing we know.  Our God is the same God.  This earth is precious to Him.  Even the white man cannot be exempt from the common destiny.  We may be brothers after all.  We shall see..."

***********

There's nothing to add to this letter; Chief Seattle so gracefully says it all.  But I will share my intention for posting...  and it's not to depress you.  

My intention is to encourage us (myself included) to awaken from this sleepy state we all "live" in.  We have worked so hard to throw off the earth's natural balance.  We humans have topped the food chain for so long that we've forgotten how much we rely on those at the "bottom" to live peacefully.  Truly peacefully.  And what is the bottom after all?  The tiniest seed inspires our gardens.  An invisible bug destroys our crops.  Every living organism on this planet is created from one source; and we are all of equal value, all built 'round the same loving core.  But humans are hellbent on abusing the balance.  So why has God allowed us to come to this?  Why did God's divine plan include the disappearance of the hunter/gatherer and the emergence of the mini-mart?  What do we do?  How do we change?  Do we toss out our SUVs and maintain strict diets of leaves and berries?  Not possible, right?    

I have a theory.  (Of course I have a theory, don't I always?  Ha!)  Over the years we humans have no doubt lost our collective way.  But, in light of divine order, God (or whatever you want to call it) must have had a hand in it.  This enormous earthly shit show that we've created for ourselves is therefore happening ON PURPOSE.  So WHY???

We are here to learn the truth about God's love through its opposite energy.  Since the Native Americans already had thorough understanding of God's love and were able to live harmoniously with the earth, their race was no longer of value for the purpose of spiritual growth.  The race had fully matured.  So God let the white man grow stronger to destroy the weak, conquer the woman, train the killer and fuck up the planet to the point that this beautiful, breathing, living, feeling Mother Earth now revolts.  It's not that the white man is bad.  He's just playing his role, doing his job so our souls can better understand the true meaning of love through its equal opposite.  And there's plenty of opposite to go around.

Honestly, between you and me, sometimes I get really pissed off at God.  I mean, the heartache and pain and suffering that we experience, and that we subject the planet to, is effing horrific.  And God just keeps on sending down new souls to participate in his big old science experiment.  So frustrating.  I get so torn up about this,  teetering between moments of Holy shit, I love this life! and Holy shit, I want out!   But in the end, my heart always pulls me back to the balanced middle - the place where I know I have a purpose for living and I feel deep desire to do my earthly job to the best of my abilities. 

We cannot return to the days of building wigwams, feathered headdresses and birch baskets.  It's impossible.  And evidently, this lifestyle was not divinely intended for us.  So we need to focus on doing our jobs with the tools that God has given us today.  What has God given you?  A voice?  A loving heart?  A talent?  Great legs?  Maybe you think God forgot to give you anything at all?  If that's the case, think again.  You're not devoid of gifts, you've just wandered off the path.  We each possess special talents and our job is to find out what they are and to use them to find ourselves again. 

I think that my current job is to encourage people to connect with the truth.  (Side note:  not MY truth, THE truth...  because my stories are just shared ideas that might shine on one tiny corner of the truth, or maybe might just shine on me.  Who knows?)  Even if these words reach an audience of one, and that one person is inspired to look within, I'm happy and my job is underway.  Soon I might move onto another job; as life is constantly changing I imagine my calling will change, too.  Thankfully, God has gifted me with flexibility and I know I'll be able to respond to the next opportunity when it presents itself.  

White, red, brown or black, our lives are in the hands of the Universe.  That might be the only thing I know for sure.

Peace, love, gratitude,

v

tell me something good

Sherrie received a check for $100K from Target to fund her school's programs.

I never watch Ellen, but yesterday I was flipping to the US Open and the channel somehow rested on her show.  The timing was perfect.  Sherrie Gahn, Whitney Elementary School principal, was on, talking about some of the challenges she faces and overcomes in her school.  Her story was incredibly inspiring, but I'm not posting about her many achievements today.  I wanted to share something that she teaches her kids.

She says, never tell on a peer when he does something bad.  Tell on a peer when he does something good. 

I couldn't get over the simplicity of this idea.  I tried it out last night with my own kids.  They were baffled:

Says SG, "But what if XG is riding his bike without a helmet?"

Then PG, "So you don't want me to tell you that SG squirted toothpaste all over the sink tonight?"  (Hmmm...) 

I respond, "No, Mommy means to say that if big sister helps little brother tie his shoes, Mommy wants to know and you can feel really proud and happy about it." 

Excitedly kids cheer, "Fun!  Will we get candy???" 

There is certainly an adjustment period, but I can absolutely envision the long-term results.  And I like what I see!  What a great way to teach our kids how to practice kindness!   If you want to learn more about Sherrie's story click here.  Please pass it along!

Peace, love, gratitude,
v

removing mara's mask

this is mara, disguised as a loving god as buddha sat beneath the pipal tree

okay, so can i just share a quick revelation today?  some of you read every day and some pop in and out sporadically.  or maybe you just landed on my by accident today b/c you were googling something completely irrelevant.  regardless, i'm going to overshare a little more of my spiritual journey with you.  if it doesn't make sense and you care to see the way this personal realization unfolded feel free to scroll down and read the two power of now posts, the disposable planet post and the buddha post, all from this week and last.

my intention of this entry is to be less about me and more about the process of understanding fear and how fear dresses up like love in order to protect our humanness.

when mara appeared to buddha, he was always disguised - as a woman, as a loving spirit, whatever.  when mara spoke to buddha, he used loving words, he misled, he lied.  understanding how this sneaky little shit works, i realized something.  two years worth of meditations telling me to move up to new hampshire have not been from my loving spirit, they've been from mara.  they are meditative thoughts that were manifested out of fear.

for me, the fears are of large-scale natural disaster, of a population so huge we are unable to feed ourselves, of being swallowed by all of the packaging material that fills every shelf of every store in every town in every country, and of large-scale economic failure.  i'm a little embarrassed to admit this publicly, but i'm being painfully honest for the sake of my journey... and maybe yours, too.  so these are the thoughts that, when i let them in, keep me up at night and fill my face with marble-sized zits.  i'm not afraid of death but the idea of living through mass chaos or on a suffering earth is unbearable.   

i kept thinking god was trying to get a message through to me:  get your ass to the mountains and save your family from certain doom.  but, again, this was not my spirit speaking, it was mara (my ego).  so it's time to send that tricky bastard packing.  it's time to use my awareness to focus on decisions made through loving thoughts rather than fearful ones.  this may seem really simple or obvious or psych 101-ish, but it's a holy-shit-size moment for me.  i wanted to share it b/c i think it's a really good example of self-healing through meditation and spiritual understanding. 

i'm not sure i would've gotten here without this blog and without your support.  if you didn't read, i wouldn't write, so i thank you for helping me to recognize my personal demons. and thank god for chopra and tolle, two amazing teachers.  we are all connected.

peace, love and endless gratitude,
v

buddha in the house

Do you know the story of Buddha?  Though over the years I've learned a bit of buddhist philosophy, I never took the time to learn about Buddha himself.  Honestly, I didn't even know if he really existed, which is funny b/c after reading the book Buddha by Deepak Chopra, I found out he did really exist, but then he didn't really exist either.  This everything-is-nothing philosophy is complicatedly simple.

Here are some spirity crib notes on Chopra's version of Buddha's life...

It all starts with a warrior king, Suddhodana, viciously defending his kingdom called Sakya, India, 563 BC.  Though he's a merciless soldier, he's a loving husband and worships his wife Maya.  She was unable to conceive a child but Suddhodanna never turned to other women.  One night, Maya had a premonition she'd bear a son.  She rushed to the king's rooms and 9 months later Prince Siddhartha was born.  Tragically, Maya died shortly after giving birth.

An old ascetic hermit named Asita predicted that this baby would be the Buddha, the One who returns light to the world of suffering.  He visited Mara, a nasty demon who lorded over pain and death, and told him his prediction.  Mara was pissed.  He tried to curse the baby but it didn't really work.  

Meanwhile, a group of high-caste holy men, Brahmins, presented Suddhodana with his son's astrological charts.  All signs pointed to greatness.  The king was thrilled but there was more.  Siddhartha would rule the four corners of the earth but it was predicted that Suddhondana would disown him as a son in the process, as the boy had a very strong spiritual calling.  Asita confirmed the reports.

Suddhodana wanted his son to be a warrior king like him, so he and the kingdom's high Brahmin, Canki, composed a plan to keep Siddhartha's spiritual tendencies smothered by disallowing him to encounter any type of suffering until the age of 32.  Suddhodana banished every single old, sick, disfigured or ugly person in the the kingdom.  He sent them to a place just beyond the kingdom walls called "The Forgotten City".

Siddhartha lived happily for many years but his pull toward heaven was strong.  He asked big questions and felt deep compassion.  His temperament was mild, not one of a warrior, which disappointed the king.  When his older cousin Devadatta was imported from a neighboring kingdom to teach the prince toughness, Siddhartha was in for a shocker.  This kid was an asshole.  He threw rocks at Siddhartha, teased him, threatened him, disrespected his best friend, a low-caste stable boy named Channa.  The demon Mara tapped into Devadatta easily and planned to use him to rub out the future Buddha, but Mara did not leave it all up to Devadatta.

Mara continued to shadow Siddhartha over the years, too, and crept into the prince's thoughts formally, encouraging him to become his student.  But so did Asita, who appeared to teach him how to meditate like a yogi and find stillness. 

On Siddhartha's 18th birthday, Suddhodanna threw him a coming out party for the neighboring (enemy) kingdoms, complete with mock battles.  Siddhartha reluctantly participated.  He was an excellent athlete and well-trained warrior so he easily bested his opponents in all matches, and did so without armor.  In his last show of competition, he accidentally pierced his opponents neck with an arrow and the man died.  Devadatta publicly chided him and Channa stepped in to defend.  Siddhartha came between the two and forced the challenge back to himself.  He and Devadatta duked it out.  The prince won, sparing D's life, and had a godlike moment when he envisioned himself jumping off a cliff in complete peace and heard the words Surrender and be Free.  Channa lived, too, but not without punishment.  Low-castes can be killed for even breathing on a high-caste.  The king whipped him brutally and spared his life.

So in revenge for complete humiliation, Devadatta, the total SOB that he was, found out that Siddhartha had a crush on this girl named Sujata.  Devadatta went to her room at night, raped and killed her, then secretly tossed her body in the river.  Thinking there was a chance she could still be alive, Siddhartha and Channa escaped the kingdom walls to search for her.  What they found instead was The Forgotten City.  Siddhartha couldn't believe what the king had done to control him.

For the next decade, he spent his time helping the poor.  During this time he also got hitched to a woman named Yashodhara and had a son named Rahula.  He would not stay to watch his family grow, though.  His spiritual calling overwhelmed him and he gave up his worldly status, changed his name to Gautama and retreated to the jungles, forests and mountains of India.

He sought Dharma, gurus, wisdom.  He studied under an ancient hermit and learned to meditate for days on end.  He became frustrated by a monk named Ganaka who challenged his desire to serve others, he met gurus Alara and Udaka who taught him the wisdom of ancient scripture, but Gautama was still not enlightened.  Nobody seemed to be.

So he retreated to cave on the edge of the Himalayas with five ascetic monks who believed he knew the path to enlightenment.  They were in and around that cave for five years.  Gautama basically spent the entire time in
samadhi, a deep meditative trance, and the fab five had to wash him, feed him, and keep him propped up.  The monks knew Gautama was someone special and were devoted to his teachings and promise of enlightenment, but the brutal elements and starvation wore them down.  One by one they left Gautama, who would've perished if not for a young girl named, get this, Sujata, who climbed the mountain looking for the god who lived there and could bless her upcoming marriage.

When she found him, she nursed him back to health in her dead grandmother's old shack.  Once he recovered fully, he spent some more QT in samadhi under a pipal tree outside the shack.  There he met Mara and they battled through spirit.  At last, Mara tried to coax Gautama into his trap with an offer of marriage to his three beautiful demon daughters.  Gautama smartly accepted the girls on conditions that they never be desired by or lusted after by him, and that they must learn to love.  The girls turned into demons and disappeared. 

Gautama emerged as the Buddha, a living god.

As Buddha, he could bring back the dead and right the wrong.  His powers were miraculous.  He found his fab five and returned to Sakya where a battle was raging beyond the kingdom walls.  He entered the gates and reconnected briefly with his wife and child, enlightening them with one embrace, then headed back outside to take care of the battle, which was in full swing.  The fab five were scared entering the battle scene but Buddha assured them that they could end war with words.  He beamed radiant light and awed the soldiers.  He told the people that they write their own futures, they just have to decide to live it.  The men put down their swords.  Miraculous.

He did, however, allow Devadatta and Channa to violently settle their long-standing personal battle.  The warriors nearly killed each other but because of Buddha's grace and wisdom, both survived.  Suddhodana, though old and a little nuts, was still king. 

Buddha spent the rest of his life teaching his Dharma.  He had a large following that included people from high and low castes, monks and royals.  Even Devadatta and Channa joined him.  He brought yoga to the world and released it to all levels in the social hierarchy of India.  His love knew no boundaries.  His story actually reminds me a lot of Jesus' story.  The biggest difference being Buddha was able to live a long life and spread his teachings.  He died at 80 from eating bad pork.  (Huh?)

***********

Chopra brought Buddha to life beautifully.  What amazes me about this storyteller is that he presents dialogue and history and spirituality confidently and convincingly and without judgment; in order to do this he's got to have complete understanding of his subjects and his spirit.  And he does.  He is an extraordinary man.  Some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"This world is nothing more than desire, and every desire makes me run after it.  Why?  Because I believe that it's real."

"The dust holds its shape for a fleeting moment when I throw it into the air, as the body holds its shape for this brief lifetime.  When the wind makes it disappear, where does the dust go?  It returns to its source, the earth.  In the future that same dust allows grass to grow, and it enters a deer who eats the grass.  The animal dies and turns into dust.  Now imagine that the dust comes to you and asks, 'Who am I?'  What will you tell it?  Dust is alive in a plant but dead as it lies in the road under our feet.  It moves in an animal but is still when buried in the depths of the earth.  Dust encompasses life and death at the same time.  So if you answer 'Who am I' with anything but a complete answer you will have made a mistake."

"The fire of passion burns out eventually.  Then you dig through the ashes and discover a gem.  You pick it up; you look at it with disbelief.  The gem was inside you all the time.  It is yours to keep forever.  It is buddha."

My ultimate fave and the one I tell my kids every day:  "Winning and losing are the same thing.  Both are nothing."

***********

Gautama defeated Mara and became Buddha at 35 years old.  I'm 35 now and I'm thinking there's a reason I'm reading his story now.  I'm definitely at a point in my spiritual journey where I feel a lot of balance, I can genuinely understand and integrate a deeper level of wisdom into my life, I can see situations more clearly and feel an almost ever-present spiritual buzz in my core.  I still need to break some bad habits but my biggest obstacle is a doozie.  I am still battling fear.  After reading this book, I realized that the fear that nags me and follows me is that bugger Mara.  I'm not sure if I have the power to defeat Mara like Buddha did.  But personifying the fear as Mara (maybe the same as Tolle's Ego?) helps me put a demonic face on my fears and makes me work harder to rid myself of those useless thoughts. 

If I can't defeat Mara, I don't think I'll be able to enlighten, which, at first, bums me out.  But when I realize the good that will come from the journey I feel happy. 

The Buddha lives in everyone.  Even me.  Even you. We are all gems.

Peace, Love, Gratitude,
v

spirity crib notes on "the power of NOW: a guide to enlightenment": part deux

i really liked eckhart tolle's instructional on how to physically connect body and soul.  check it out:

CONNECTING WITH THE INNER BODY
Direct your attention into the body.  Feel it from within.  Is it alive?  Is there life in your hands, arms, legs and feet - in your abdomen, your chest?  Can you feel the subtle energy field that pervades the entire body and gives vibrant life to every organ and every cell?  Can you feel it simultaneously in all parts of the body as a single field of energy?  Keep focusing on the feeling of your inner body for a few moments.  Do not start to think about it.  Feel it.  The more attention you give it, the clearer and stronger this feeling will become.  It will feel as if every cell is becoming more alive, and if you have a strong visual sense, you may get an image of your body becoming luminous.  Although such an image can help you temporarily, pay more attention to the feeling than to any image that may arise.  An image, no matter how beautiful or powerful, is already defined in form, so there is less scope for penetrating more deeply.

i love this method of digging deep and finding stillness.  tolle says that the road to enlightenment is within, not above - not a new concept but for some reason, reading it in NOW was a light bulb moment for me.  huge.  i tend to spend a lot of time reaching for the cosmos, praying to the big, fat, untamed universe, meditating in hopes to glimpse the great beyond.  but all i need to experience enlightenment is the small stillness in me.  so the physicality of this meditation is terrific b/c the focus of energy is within.  he says, "Do not turn your attention elsewhere in your search for the Truth, for it is nowhere else to be found but within your body."  my body is a temple.  love it.

i actually have had a few great meditative moments through this technique.  the one that had the most impact came last week.  i had just done a little reiki on myself and sunk into a really tingly state.  after some time of just enjoying the feeling of feeling, a crisp image grew before me, or around me, or in me...  i dunno.  it was weird.  the sky was blood orange and the sun was low and red on the horizon.  this blazing sky was the backdrop for the most amazing tree you could imagine.  wide.  so wide.  and gorgeous, thick roots that wrapped and twisted above ground.  the canopy was enormous.  its overall presence was totally inspiring.  overwhelming but welcoming at the same time.  then, as is typical with me, the instant i realized what was happening i got super excited and zapped right back into vanessa land.  dammit.  it's very hard to describe and i wish wish wish i could paint it or draw it or capture its profound beauty and depth.   

back to the book, though.  another tool that tolle shared that i find very useful is to not give yourself over completely to anything or anyone.  regardless of what your are engaged in or who you are with, keep a bit of your energy for you.  be mindful of your inner body in every moment.  be in your skin.  feel your feet on the ground, supported by the earth.  this takes practice.  i'm working on this every day and the more i consciously remember to tune in, the more habitual it becomes.  i find this especially helpful while mothering 3 small children.  it provides perspective and self-control when typically i'd be a the end of my rope.  and that's, like, everyday.

try it out, if you haven't already.  share your experience if you like.  your comments are always welcome.  

peace, love, gratitude...  and how 'bout a little stillness today,
v

happy new year!

hello, dear friends.  i was basically MIA this summer so apologies to those of you who had formerly worked my (almost) daily stories into one of your daily rituals.  i'm so grateful for the time we've spent "together" and hope the days and weeks and months ahead generate lots of wonder, tears, laughter and embarrassing moments (my embarrassment, not yours ;-).

summer sizzle has fizzled and here we are back to the daily grind.  i've always felt my personal calendar starts in september, not january, so, for me, this is a time of reassessment, re-commitment and reconnection.  plus, the weather is waaaaay nicer now than in january; so as i pull myself up by my bootstraps and trudge into personal renewal, i'm not dealing with seasonal depression, a messy dead christmas tree and 25 inches of wet snow.  nice!  it's sooooo much easier to follow through with resolutions when the sun is shining and people are mobile.  :-)  i imagine this is the situation for most of us, so let me ring in september 1st by saying, happy new year everyone! 

big xo's!
peace, love, gratitude,
v

disposable planet

this morning after a session of hot yoga at prana, i laid down on my mat for 10 minutes and meditated.  i said, "okay, god, i'm listening, whatcha got for me today?"  my busy chattering mind piped in several times, "don't forget to pick up bananas," you're right, mind, but i'm trying to connect with god, can you please come back later?  "the yoga teacher just opened the door.  doesn't that breeze feel great?"  yes, mind, it does, now shhhhhhh...  "did you hear th-"  sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

peace...

while laying in silent stillness, i sensed a message.  the urge to simplify.  to move to our home in the mountains and live harmoniously with the earth.  this is a message that i've sensed during meditations for two years, and still it surprises me to received it.  probably b/c i'm not ready to do it.  not ready to forget the stuff.  forget the schedules.  forget the silliness.  forget the social.  just live.  and yes, life is still pretty amazing when all of those testy "s" words are swept away.  but i forget that a lot of times.

so flash back to my real life on the yoga mat, i offered gratitude for a lovely, strengthening morning of yoga and when the time was right, i rolled up my mat and shuffled out the door, seriously contemplating  leaving the 'burbs and living an earthier life in the country.

easier said than done, right?  b/c my husband has a job and i have friends and my kids have their respective routines...   is it possible to just drop this life and retreat to the mountains?  forget the things that seem to define us and try to start anew?  hmmmm... 

i continued to ponder while running a couple of errands.  first i grabbed those bananas at whole foods then trotted across the street to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.  there i ran into my dear friend JS, upon whom i immediately shared my most recent spirity initiative to move to the country, start a farm and live off the land.  she suggested i first read a book called "the bucolic plague" about a couple who ditched manhattan for a farm in upstate new york and ended up with a reality series called "fabulous beekman boys".  (i realized immediately that she was just the person i was supposed to see and thanked the universe for placing me in her path this morning.  i ordered the book and will tell you if we've got the chops for farm life in a few weeks.) 

came home and started exploring the idea of farm life (for the hundredth time) with hubby and he said (for the hundredth time), "no way."  i started telling him about my meditations and how i always feel this pull to simplify and move north.  he suggested maybe it's more important for me to remain here, b/c there are lots of opportunities for me to be conscious right in winchester.  he thinks there's got to be something i can do without having to overhaul my (our) life.  so we took the focus off of moving and transferred it to simplification.  how can we simplify?  is it about buying things or lifestyle?  habits?  time?  what?

really, it's about all that.  but for me, especially over the past few years and especially following my mediation this morning, it was about waste.  about the accumulation of waste on the earth.  about the unrelenting heaps of packaging and leftovers and shit that are festering in every home, every town, every city around the world.  chipped dishes, torn tires, plastic bags, crumpled green easter grass, broken picture frames, old shoes, outdated TVs, outgrown carseats...  the list is unending.  waste is really a bi-product of our complex, complicated, not-simple-at-all egos.  our egos say, "i want that!  i need that!  that whatchamacallit is so ME!  if i sell these i'll be rich!  those things will make me happy!"  it's a travesty, really, the things we create and buy and destroy for the sake of comfort, amusement, marketing, convenience.  we're really just creating a big mess.

example.  this morning at the pharmacy, i was surveying the shelves in the seasonal aisle, stocked with cheap rubber games, plastic seasonal toys, junk food, painted knick-knacks, lots of nonsense.  i thought about how many times i've bought this kind of crap... and i cringed.  because every single thing that i've every purchased in this aisle, i've thrown away.   it's horrific.  maddening.  and complicated.

after my pow-wow with hubby, i looked around my own house.  looked at my kitchen table covered in cereal boxes and tiny yogurt containers.  i looked in my pantry stocked with chips and cookies and pasta contained in brightly colored boxes and foil bags.  i examined the kids' toys and the tennis balls and the coloring books and the dried out markers...  all things that are fun for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but will ultimately end up in a big stinking pile of rot.

and then i bawled my eyes out.  (bless my husband for dealing with my search for inner peace.)

i cried the ugly cry because i realized that this internal struggle i'm battling is not really just about me and my personal search for enlightenment.  it's about everyone.  everything.

honestly, i'm not really psyched about being a human being these days.  i don't like the evolutionary path we're on.  this money-centric, faster-easier-bigger trip is starting to sicken me.  i think that technology is really cool but it's not nearly as cool as the mother nature.  she's paying a painful price for our human need to succeed.  i can't see any way out.  and that's what makes me want to barf.

but there's no sense in fighting against what is, at least not emotionally.  my new mantra can be applied in any situation: "it is what it is.  i am exactly where i'm supposed to be."  in other words, don't fight it, it's all part of god's divine plan.

BUT.  this doesn't mean that i need to forge forward in a way that is consistent with the present, especially when the present is yucky.  if i can live this new moment consciously, and every moment after that, i am helping to redirect the evolutionary path for the entire human race (that drop that creates a ripple).  and there's a big, fat, happy shiny movement of folks doing the same thing.  this is inspiring, right?  

if we don't change, if we stay on this ego-centric, money-zombie path, i wonder...  in a thousand years when our skyscrapers are swallowed up by oceans and our nuclear power plants are buried under mountains, a new version of humans will pad the earth and find the remains of our civilization.  what will they think?  will they learn from our mistakes?  will they share stories about the "age of technology" and say, "geez, those people were a bunch of short-sighted creatures. can you believe they tore down the rain forests so they could make tires?  they built hand-held computers and self-cleaning ovens and louis vuitton suitcases and big hunks of metal that could fly through the air, but they couldn't figure out how to live in harmony with the earth.  dumb fucks."

in every book i've read, there is a mention of an upcoming shift.  this shift is necessary in order for the earth to regain its balance.  unlike our broken furniture, dirty diapers and antiquated VCRs, the earth cannot be used up and thrown in a heap.  in fact, the situation is very much the opposite.  the earth is a living, breathing, intelligent organism.  and when we humans have pushed her too far, she'll spit us out.  and that's that.

the good news is, we're in a place where we can fix it.  but if we are not conscious, we cannot change.

wouldn't it be nice if the story could be different?  if we took what we needed and gave what we could, if we respected the animals and the plants, if we supported our neighbors instead of competing with them, if we worshiped god instead of movie stars, if we revered the earth more than the dollar?  

the currency here on earth is money.  we can use our money to communicate.  use our money to improve the world.  make earth-friendly choices when we make purchases.  invest in companies that think consciously about packaging and marketing.

and then use our voices.  if we see something that can be improved, speak up!  example.  this is such a small thing, but i was playing tennis last spring and noticed there was no recycling bin at the court.  i asked vinny, the man who manages the courts, if he could set up a couple of bins and guess what?  there are two recycling bins now!  it's just a small change but when hundreds or, better yet, thousands of people use their voices and their wallets to make small improvements, you get a big fat shiny happy change.

*****************

 
writing today's blog has been very cathartic for me, as it usually is.  it's funny, i usually start off with one particular feeling or intent.  i squeeze my eyes shut and let my fingers fly across the keyboard for 30 minutes.  by the end of the entry, i feel completely different from the way i did when i logged in.  i wonder if you experience the same, be it through reading my stories or through your writing your own?

anyway.  while typing the last paragraph, i had a full-circle moment.  hubby spent the morning assuring me i had work to do here at home and that moving to new hampshire was not the answer.  while i have confidence in my little voice and know that moving to new hampshire is a long-term arrangement i should be considering, i smiled when i recognized that the packer courts in winchetser may not have recycling bins right now if i lived in the country.  again, something so small.  but i guess i do have work to do here.  and in this moment, i'm at peace with that.

peace, love, gratitude,
v

Click below to see

BBC's research on American waste  

spirity crib notes on "the power of NOW: a guide to enlightenment"

can you tell by the post-its that i like this book?  ;-)

restless, unsatisfied, impatient, oversensitive. scrutinizing, assuming...

these are not emotions that a person actively working towards enlightenment wants to feel, but, alas... this is how it is.  i'm especially pissed about it b/c i just finished reading The Power of NOW (for the second time), a book by famed enlightenment guru eckhart tolle dedicated to the search for inner peace.  it took me several weeks to get through it for a several reasons:

1.  i have three loud kids and this book requires quiet contemplation after each profound excerpt.

2.  i have three active kids and it's summer time.  i crawl into bed at night and am drooling on my pillow before you can say, "i surrender."

3.  i have three demanding kids and it's hard to focus on zen when i can smell a poopy diaper, have to drive someone to camp or am playing life guarding at the beach.

but somehow i secreted away enough times to read it thoroughly and intently and would like to overshare my bit of perspective.  if you've read it and would like to share perspective, too, please do!!!

here we go.  eckhart tolle's "guide to spiritual enlightenment."  first time i read the book i thought it was a snooze.  i wasn't in a place to think about life meaningfully or spiritually.  but now i am in that place so i gave it another chance.  this time i was thrilled by the book and, at times, totally frustrated.

so in the beginning, tolle noticed a stream of non-stop banter in his head.  a chain of ideas and analysis and nonsense that rattled through his mind constantly.  one day he was like, who the fuck am i talking to? okay, my words not his, but you get the picture.  he realized that there was another inhabitant of his body - the soul - and it was separate from that unconscious and annoying chatterbox - the ego.

the ego is a drama queen.  the ego holds court over your body and reminds you every minute that you are a complicated human being with emotions and stresses and social status.  the ego loves to be in control.  do, do, do!  think, think, think!  feel, feel, feel!  the soul, on the other hand, just wants to be - in love, in peace, in the moment.  one of the tricks to enlightenment is deciphering the difference between the two and getting your mind to shut the hell up long enough to hang tight with your soul.  once achieved, you must stroke that beautiful union until the soul's stillness becomes your new normal.  your ego will still be there, piping in and demanding attention, but your connection to your inner light will be strong enough to keep that bad boy in his place.

the pain body is the other riff-raff lurking under your skin.  your pain body is a big physical ball of emotions that sits in your gut.  tolle wants you to know that it's there and he wants you to "watch it."  treat it as a separate entity.  example, say someone is cruel to you.  your emotional reaction is anger and disbelief but there is also a physical reaction.  your heart pumps harder and a tight ball forms in your throat.  maybe your eyes start to well up with tears.  this is the pain body (that bastard).  when this happens, tolle tells us to separate ourselves from it and just watch it.  be conscious of the physical, emotional effect that this offensive behavior has on your body then let it go.  because that feeling isn't you.  it's just latching onto you b/c you're not paying close enough attention, b/c you are unconscious.  so acknowledge it and dismiss it.  make this a habit.  in time, dismissal will become the go-to reaction and strife will roll of your back the way a water rolls off a duck's.

during his description of how to manage the pain body, tolle strolls a bit through the forbidden forest:  PMS.  he actually calls it "menses," which made me choke on my pink lemonade.  menses?  who says that?  whenever a man talks about PMS or periods, i roll my eyes and tolle was no exception.  but to my surprise, he had something pretty decent to say.  during a woman's menstrual cycle, he says, there is "an opportunity for the most powerful spiritual practice, and a rapid transmutation of all past pain becomes possible."  he suggests that we hormonal bitches watch over the painful and emotional waves rather than be pulled down and drown by them.  a fast track through evolution via the feminine aisle.  well, shit.  i gotta try this.

so back to present.  here i am, well, in a position to put his theory to the test.  my first problem appears to be that when i'm a raving lunatic i don't realize i'm just hormonal.  i spend 2 weeks of every month in hormonal flux.  it's very easy to forget who i am when half my adult life, i've been a disguised as a freak.  (ladies, am i right?  or am i right?)  so at first, i think my attempt at watching my pain body is a bust b/c even when i was looking for it, i didn't know it was there.  does this make sense??? 

but here i still am, like i said, in this place where i am restless, unsatisfied, impatient, oversensitive. scrutinizing, assuming.  is this me?  or is it not?  according to tolle, it is not.  well hal-the-fucking-lujiah!  i guess i'll just tell aunt flo i've got my eye on her and i don't like what i see.  time to kick that old bitch to the curb and get me some stillness...  right after i pick up my kids from camp.  did i mention i have three kids?  ;-)     

peace, love and gratitude,
v

p.s.
this book is a treasure trove of inspiration so i'll blog about it more tomorrow.  don't worry, though, no more menses speak.  and i'll try to curb the cursing.  oh, how i love the cursing.  ;-)

afterlife

just watched a really great, really simple one-hour documentary by paul perry called "afterlife".  in it, perry interviews a couple of doctors of philosophy (including my boy raymond a. moody) who have spent their respective lifetimes researching evidence of life after life and interviewing folks who have had NDEs (near death experiences).

i was excited to happen across the program in my verizon "on demand" movie list...  and frankly surprised.  it seemed a little random wedged between "affair to remember" and "airplane".  i was also surprised by baby boy gobes who, long after bedtime, barreled into the family room with a hungry belly and a big smile.   so i fixed him a quick bowl of puffins then cozied up on the couch and let little man brush my hair for an hour while i watched my spirity flick.  is that bliss, or what? 

so back to the show - i liked it.  fearlessness was the overriding message of "afterlife".  any opportunity to be reminded to LIVE without fear of death inspires deep inner peace.  for this i am grateful and wanted to share a portion of the program that i found quite beautiful.

a woman named jenny somers, probably in her late forties or early fifties, told a short story about her own NDE.  she was a child at summer camp playfully hiding from one of her counselors.  she ducked into an cabin that was under construction and fell 15 feet into a hole in the floor.  for about an hour rescuers worked to lift her out and resuscitate her.  while the crew worked to save her, she had a classic NDE where she saw a loving, beautiful light, crossed over and met with her deceased family members, wanted desperately to stay in this heavenly realm but was encouraged to go back to her earthly body.  she did return and lived to tell her tale.

there was one thing in particular that made her story stand out to me.  she said that when she was "upstairs", jesus came to her and told her she could stay if she wanted - that the choice was hers.  this struck me b/c she is just a normal person and jesus was there for her.

jesus - the ultimate celebrity - counseled her and supported her and helped her make the best decision for her.  so cool, right?  i mean, people go absolutely nutty over celebrities today.  soap stars, movies stars, rock stars.  celebrities who don't return our fanatic emails, who begrudgingly pose for pics with us, who give us the finger when we try to talk to them on the street (except for lady gaga who is pure sweetness).  but then there's jesus,  one of the most celebrated men of all time, whose grace and acceptance and inclusiveness allows each of us a deeply personal relationship with him.  when we're sick, happy, confused, excited, or, as in this case, dead, he is there for us.  this is sort of a tangent, though, sorry.

anyway.  his presence in this ordinary girl's NDE was very confirming for me tonight.  i was meditating a couple weeks ago and jesus appeared to me and told me he loved me.  i'm not what you might call a "jesus freak", but i am a fan.  though honestly, i thought he might be a little pissed off at me following my tribute to him at easter.  so when he told me he loved me it was amazing and deeply comforting.

when i sat down later and thought about the my NJE (near jesus experience) i second-guessed it.  i thought, "no, that wasn't jesus.  he doesn't have time for me.  i'm just a nobody."  but seeing jenny somers tell her story tonight made me realize that i really did receive a jesusy high five during that meditation.  his love for me is real.  and personal.  and also very cool.

the other thing about jenny somers that caused a tiny shift in me tonight was her description of the way we function as human beings.  she said that we're born into these bodies and unplug from the universe, from the source.  that we spend our entire lives trying to fill ourselves up by plugging into a thousand different things.  we plug into our kids or our partners, our jobs or our hobbies, our athletics or our electronics - all in hopes of feeling happy and fulfilled.  when all we really need to do to feel full is to plug into the source.  i just thought this was a great visual metaphor.

i've absolutely noticed a change in my life since "plugging into" the universe.  there's no question that my most peaceful moments are rooted in a deepening connection with my being; and when i give myself over to that connection i feel a happiness like no other.  inexplicable happiness.  i was overcome by this feeling just the other day.  i thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest... but not a bloody explosion, just a loving one.  i felt an enormous feeling of love for everyone and everything i saw that it was impossible to contain my joy.  it was magnificent, and it's something that i experience more and more as a surrender my individuality and accept that i am part of something much bigger.

peace, love, gratitude, and really smooth hair,
v

do one thing (but in a different way)

what if each one of us could do one thing every day to make the world a better place?  something additional to and maybe a little different from the bodacious things we always do.  maybe something we usually forget to do.  consciously do it.

it could be anything - smiling at a stranger, walking instead of driving, nuzzling your neglected doggie, hugging an acquaintance, thinking bigger thoughts, calling a new friend for lunch, forgiving someone who hurt you, letting somebody into your lane on the highway...  anything.  what could happen?  how would you change?  how would you change the world?

peace, love, gratitude,
v

i'm not dead yet

hello hello my friends!  just wanted to check in and let you know i'm still alive and will start posting again next week.  i spent the last few weeks in the mountains without internet.  and welcome to all of the new readers around the world!  it's so exciting to see your beautiful countries light up on my map!  xoxoxo
peace, love, grrrrrratituuuuuuude!!!!!!!!
v

follow up on food posts from a few months ago...

KF, AS, JL and VG post meeting

okay peeps, a slightly annoying video diary for you today, my first attempt.  my husband thought it sucked but, as i told him, i'm not hoping for an emmy nom.  but first we'll start with a story...

so awhile back i posted a you tube video that had gone viral in my hometown of winchester, mass, usa.  you may remember it - a TED talk presentation by robyn o'brien.  she schooled us all on the risks associated with artificial growth hormones and other synthetic food additives.  for me, this video was a call to action, and i know it was for countless others.  so a few friends - KF, AS and CZ - banded together to join the cause on an activist level.  we created a group called "FED UP:  a grass roots mission to improve food standards in Massachusetts".  this group is open to anyone who eats food and enjoys being healthy.  (so, yes, that means you!  ;-)

what is our mission?  pretty simple.  clean, safe food.  our typical gross-ery store shelves are oozing with artificial preservatives, synthetic coloring, genetically modified produce and hormone-enriched meat.  there's so much bad stuff out there.  unless we are aware of it, we purchase it b/c we assume that our fda would approve only food that is safe for human consumption.  sadly, this is not the case.  the US government's philosophy is that its citizens are guinea pigs.  then when a consumer grows a malignant tumor as a result of artificial dyes (true story), then they say, "oh, we need to remove this product from the market."  it's just not right.  unless we know what to look for, we are very easily fooled into thinking our food is safe.  example - i just learned that caramel color has ammonia in it.  effing AMMONIA!  it's in coke, cheap maple syrup and tons of other products.  "caramel color" sounds sweet and natural but it's soooooooo not.  who knew??? 

but let's get real - we won't eat a bag of M&Ms then grow 4 extra fingers, but when we spend a lifetime ingesting chemicals, it takes a toll.  i don't want to expire at 84 years old, sucking on a twizzler in my rocker, knowing that if i'd made better choices i could've squeezed out another year or two with my grandbabies.  you know? 

now i'm a pretty smart cookie, but i'll be honest, i didn't know about this until my bestie and fellow FED UP founder KF schooled me a few years ago.  now that i know better i make better choices.  and i'm thinking that if i got through 30-something years of life without knowing that artificial preservatives and dyes and gmos and growth hormones are dangerous, then there are probably lots of other people out there who could use a little food coaching, too.   so please join us in learning and educating.  let's start in our own neighborhoods!  talk about food - share what you know and ask questions.  there's no one more important than Y.O.U. and you know that old saying...  you are what you eat!

***********

the other component of our safe food mission is encouraging our law makers to ban food products that have not been proven safe for human consumption and to demand strictly honest labeling.  this is an enormous undertaking and big food corporations are a bunch of scary mother fuckers.  they're sinking tens of millions of dollars into campaigning against safe food campaigns.  so we've decided to start with a simple request of our massachusetts state government - ban artificial dyes in foods sold in the commonwealth.  manufacturers like kraft already make their mac-n-cheese with natural colors for their european market (there it's colored with turmeric and here in the states it's done with yellow 5 - gross); we are simply asking them to treat their massachusetts consumers with the same respect.  we deserve it.  we can demand it through legislation and we can send a message by not buying their chemical-ridden products.

so the good news is, we took our first step.  we snagged a vis-a-vis with our state rep jason lewis this week and this is the play-by-play.  (roll amateur video diary with a really unattractive launch photo - looks like it's time for someone to look into botox.)

so we go through security and stroll down west wing to jason lewis' office.  there's no a/c in the state house so we're sweating.  but happy.  (note KF's "what the fuck?" non-verbal as she gestures to one of about 14 men's restrooms along the hallway.  finally found one ladies room on the 4th floor.  it's a man's world!  HA!)

the welcome sign in jason's office.

so next we went into his office and had our meeting.  KF slayed it.  she's insanely knowledgeable.   she's a life-long health nut, tree hugger and overall smarty pants who enjoys reading case studies on harmful effects of preservatives as much as i enjoy watching the jersey housewives beat the crap out of each other at their kids' christenings.  AS presented the bill that the state of maryland proposed, a call to ban artificial coloring in public school lunches, which failed to pass but served as a monumental step in bringing food issues to light.  jason seemed pretty impressed with her resume and i think he was pretty stoked that we have AS and CZ, a couple of super brainy (and adorable) lawyer types who've been writing and reading legislation for years. 

so we think rep lewis is game and just might be willing to sponsor this legislation, providing we can come up with ample convincing proof that these dyes can be harmful to ingest.  our next stop is, like AS said, the department of public health (DPH).  she also mentioned that we're looking to connect with interest groups who are also focused on creating this type of legislation - power in numbers.  we're recruiting nutritionists and doctors and HMO reps, neighborhood organizers, passionate private citizens...  the list goes on and on.  the most valuable tool we have is community awareness, so please spread the world if this cause resonates with you.  we need tons and tons of help to make this happen and are calling on the public to help us in this action.  in a few days we'll be posting a list of winchester positions that need to be filled on our facebook page so please keep a look out and sign up!   if you want to start a local campaign in your town, let's do it together!

peace, love, gratitude,

v

gratitude

a totally self-indulgent post tonight but just can't resist...

i'm absolutely oozing with warm fuzzies for the extraordinary women of winchester for whom i am so grateful and with whom i am incredibly blessed to call friends.

i spent the evening dining and cocktailing at my amazing friend and neighbor's housewarming, a gorgeous party to celebrate her new home, brimming with love and warmth.  lots of friends came out to raise a glass.  chatter and laughter filled the rooms, creating a buzzing energy.

glancing around the house, i was struck by the physical beauty of the ladies attending.  one hot mamma after an other.  but even more tantalizing was their collective inner beauty.  genuine, compassionate, bright, sweet, vulnerable, happy, generous, honest...  they wore it on their faces tonight, as they do everyday.  every one of them, in their own unique style.   

these girls (oh, i know the world would have us be called women now, but to us, we'll always be girls) have become my extended family.  they help me care for my kids, they give me hugs when i'm down, they make me dinner when i'm sick, they make  me laugh til i cry, they inspire me to do more than i thought i could do, they teach me how to live a better life, they listen, they share, they love, they trust.  these terrifically genuine and caring women invoke in me a feeling of belonging that i've never felt before.  and i'm grateful.

as i walked home reflecting on the evening, i took a moment to thank the universe for placing me here in this little town and surrounding me with such extraordinary people - people who have filled my life with such joy and peace and goodness.  i looked up at the night sky, illuminated by the light of the big, fat, shiny, happy moon.  it was beautiful.  its glow heightened my senses.  the clicking of my heels on the concrete filled my ears.  the cheering of friends in nearby houses amplified as the bruins skated their way to another stanley cup.  the crisp night air made the skin on my arms tingle.  the smell of mountain laurel filled my nose.  my heart felt light and my eyes opened wide.  my lips stretched into a wide grin.  i had to stop for a minute and take it all in.  i stared at the moon, framed between two huge oak trees, and watched it smile down on me.  i took a picture in my mind, memorizing the feeling of being alone but not lonely.

i planted my life here seven years ago and more than ever i feel the tremendous strength of my growing roots.  i feel alive here.  i feel hopeful.  i feel connected and inspired.  there is nowhere on earth i'd rather be.

i effing love this town. 

peace, love, gratitude,
v

moth

i left a coat outside overnight.  today i brought it back into the house and attempted to hang it up when a very large moth flew out at me, totally freaking me out.  i was gagging, squealing, gyrating, waving my hands around wildly...  all sorts of nonsense.  (honestly, i'm squirming now just writing about it.)  i can't help it.  certain bugs just gross me out.  i'm okay with worms and ants, but spiders and moths send me into a dither.  i don't want them touching me or invading my 18" personal bubble.  blahhhhh!

i hate to kill any living thing.  while mosquitoes, fruit flies, green heads and stink bugs must be stopped at all costs, there are lots of creepy crawlers that are worth stepping around on the sidewalk.  as much as i'm repelled by them, i trap house spiders in cups and toss them outside.  same for mice, bees, and even, on occasion, houseflies.

but when i'm caught off guard and in a frantic state of crazy, my first panicked reaction to an icky critter is total annihilation.  so this morning when i spotted the winged intruder nearby, i immediately tore off my flip-flop and was about to smash him into the wall when i got a good gander at my victim.  the thing's head was enormous.  like, huge.  and not entirely ugly.  i could see his eyes.  kind of peaceful looking.  his wings were brownish white with spots - mildly attractive, i mean, for a disgusting moth.  in my head i thought, this little guy has put a whole lot of time and effort into his life.  from larva to caterpillar to chrysalis to this mildly attractive butterfly knock-off.   at once i could see the miraculousness of his life.  who am i to end it?

as repulsed as i was by him, i just couldn't squash him.  i thought of what PG said yesterday in her story... we have the power, we are all saviors.  so i trapped him gently in a tissue, feeling him beat his wings desperately inside the paper all the way to the porch where i tossed the whole bundle of tissue and flapping insect into the sky.  then i ran back inside the house, slammed the door shut and gagged again.  

here is my plea to the universe:  i will do my best to not kill your nasty insects if you will kindly do your best to keep them out of my house.  and my car.  and my coats.  and away from me in general.  deal?

peace, love, gratitude,
v

that's a moth's face.  again, just looking at it makes me feel like something's crawling up my leg, but it's a very developed face.  i don't think i'd feel good about splattering it with a flip-flop.

little voice

Went to dinner last night with the whole family.  My 6 year old PG was coloring and writing in her workbook Fun Eco Activities while we were waiting for our meals.  One page is titled Tell a Story and is followed by the prompt, "My ideal world is a place where..."  This is what she wrote:

My ideal world is a place where...  every thing is balints and a place to live and crechers geting ectstingct.  we can help the animles and Plants.  we have all the Power in the world with every thing we have.  every thing elts dos not.  we can be save yours to the world and Im a save your.  If we do not tacke car of the erth the erth will fiht back. 

A true product of a Montessori education, PG was inspired by her week at nature camp and the baby bunnies living under a hosta bush in our back yard.  I thought it was beautiful and asked her if I could share it on my blog.  She felts excited and very proud.  Her words come from her heart, which makes me feel excited and proud, too.

Our children want so desperately to live in a place where they are safe and the plants and animals that give them so much joy and comfort are safe.  The little ones today are absolutely passionate about the health of this planet.  It makes me want to work harder to improve the Earth's condition so I can leave it better than I found it.

Our children are pretty amazing teachers.

Peace, love, gratitude,
V

Baby bunnies in our yard.  They're about the size of a peony.  And they're reasons I decided not to treat the grass with chemicals this year... and won't ever again.  A worthy decision!  They're so cute!!! 

Took these photos through my family room window b/c I didn't want to scare the babies.  Seriously, could he be any cuter??? 

a quick thought after yesterday's loooooooong one

We are here for a purpose.  To challenge, to struggle, to fail, to figure shit out, to overcome, to accept, to love, to balance karma, to enlighten, to evolve.  Each action is a process with no beginning and no end.  A state of constant change.  Even the Universe (God) is evolving.  No one and nothing is exempt.  Step up to it.  Embrace it.  Become it.  You will not be disappointed.

Peace, love, gratitude,
V

soul level

I want to start by saying that I asked the main characters involved in the this story if I could share it and they were all for it.  So here goes...

I met my husband at a "Cuban Havana" party on a Friday night in Boston back in 2001.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw this guy (my future husband) bee-lining towards me.  He looked like a mash up of Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap, Mitt Romney and Mr. Big from Sex in the City.  "Big" (as my girlfriends called him and sometimes still do) swooped in from behind and nuzzled his nose in my neck, then got right in my grill with blinkie love eyes.  I thought he was pretty intense, but I love engaging with randoms so I indulged.  He was all smiles and actually really nice.  He had what I call "quiet confidence", which I immediately tested:

Big:  Hi, I'm Big.
Me:  Hi, I'm Vanessa.
Me:  How old are you?
Big:  41.  How old are you?
Me:  25.  You married?
Big:  No.
Me:  Divorced?
Big:  Yes.
Me:  Kids?
Big:  Yes.
Me:  How many?
Big:  One.
Me:  Girl or boy?
Big:  Girl.
Me:  How old?
Big:  8.
Me:  Hm.  Okay, my ride's here!

(The fact that these are the very challenges that hovered over much of our relationship is not lost on me.  But more on that later.)  Before I dashed, Big asked me for my business card, which I politely gave him.

He called my office at 9am Monday and told me he couldn't wait for the weekend to end so he could ring me at work first thing Monday.  (Did I mention he was a little intense?)  I thought he was sweet.  He asked me for dinner and I reluctantly went on the date, figuring I'd see him just the once and go back to being happily single.  Surprisingly not the case.

Thank goodness for Big's tenacity.  Because of it I was able to see that he's a terrific guy.  Relaxed, smart, positive, supportive, a bit of a know-it-all, but generally a goodie.  As his buddies say, he was born with a horse shoe up his ass.  Things just go his way.  I think it's b/c that's exactly what he expects.  You know that book The Secret?  Well, this guy innately has a deep understanding of the Law of Attraction.  An unrelenting optimist.  A team player with a can-do attitude.  A big picture guy with an endless supply of patience.  Just the person I needed in my life.

Eventually I met his family.  First his adorabibble daughter, then his adorable (very preggie) ex-wife and her adorable hubby and several months later his numerous intimidating siblings and parents.  I was 25.  This was a lot for me.  But everyone was nice and my expectations in the relationship were...  well, temporary.

That is until they were permanent.

Big popped the question during a trip to Ireland and the next thing I knew I was setting myself up to be an older man's second wife.  (HUH?????  My poor Mother.)  I occasionally heard mutterings from various people like "trophy wife" and "child bride", which were a little horrific.  Okay, maybe a lot horrific.  Okay, yes, soul-crushing and humiliating and tantrum-inducing and embarrassing and irritating and... need I go on?  It's not fun to be judged and belittled.  I felt like every time we went out people were sizing us up or trying to figure out how we were all connected.  My least favorite question was, "Oh, are you the nanny?"  Mmmmm...  that would be NO. 

In my insecurity and immaturity (Disclaimer: I was immature in an inexperienced way,  not in an irresponsible way; I simply had not the emotional GPS to navigate this particular course in life.), I started freaking out.  Younger woman, second wife, step-mother... this was not the way I'd envisioned my life.

Our engagement was a real struggle for me.  We weren't in a casual, easy relationship anymore.  This was serious now, with serious boundary issues and serious jealousy.  I wouldn't be the first woman he'd see walk down the aisle in white.  We wouldn't enjoy his first honeymoon.  We wouldn't buy a starter home together.  I wouldn't give him his first baby.  We wouldn't share in the naivety of being parents for the first time.  Oh, and I'd have to spend the next decade being called Big's ex's name by accident.  It's tough to be #2. 

Some relationships are doomed to failure, specifically one between a first wife and a second wife.  It's pretty much universally accepted that there's something totally creepy about the first wife and the new wife being chums.  Or so one would think.  But amazingly, #1 and I got along great, at least before the engagement.  When the reality of my permanency set in, so did the conflict.

As much as I wanted everything to be smooth and above-bar, I couldn't get past the suckage of my "secondary" situation.  The Number Two Blues I called them.  I was just emotionally under-equipped to deal.  #1 and I underwent a few years of awkward moments, hurt feelings, disagreements and pissing on each others' feet in attempt to stake claim on our respective territories.  I think we wanted to like each other.  But it's so hard to find peace in a divided family.   How do you share something so sacred?  Start a new family when one already exists?  I can't speak for #1, but, bottom line for me, I felt like an outsider walking into my own marriage and it tore me up. 

Over time, the push and pull between #1 and I neutralized and we were able to bear each others' company again.  The peace was a result of efforts on both parts, hers and mine.  I may be wrong, but from my perspective it seemed that the two of us were exercising some demons - separately together - and the result was an unspoken truce.  Always growing, always evolving.  (Also, I think my having a bunch of babies helped.  Kids were my ultimate distraction from nagging insecurities.)  Eventually, we found a way to share life comfortably in this modern family.  Eventually, we were able to gently talk about the bitterness we each felt.  Eventually, through laughter, honesty, and maybe a few tears, we found a safe place to come together and be friends.  Yep.  Friends.  Friends with the potential to be dear friends.

When I asked #1 if it'd be okay to share our story on my blog, she said she thought it'd be valuable to share how a challenging relationship can function on a high level.  She said, "I think we so often act / act out as we think others expect us to - falling into typical stereotypes.  Any opportunity to break that cycle should be shared." 

*********

So a couple of months ago #1 and I were emailing back and forth and I'm like, "One of these days I want to tell you about a past life regression that I had that involved you."  About 30 seconds later my phone rang.  ;-)  Here's what happened....

I went to Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY last July for a weekend workshop with Dr. Brian Weiss.  He's an Ivy League educated, world renowned psychotherapist who specializes in past life hypnotherapy.  He's been on Oprah a bunch of times and wrote a slew of really inspiring books about past life regression.  He's the balls.  Love him.

During each of his workshop lectures, Dr. Weiss guided the group through a hypnotic regression.  During one of the regressions #1 popped into my head.  My immediate reaction was Oh, I don't want to deal with this old drama now, I'm over this.  But Dr. Weiss said, "Take note of anyone you see.  Acknowledge them.  They're there for a reason."  So that's what I did.  It felt like #1's higher self wanted to connect with mine.  I felt less separation between us.  I let the image ride out and was totally overwhelmed by what I discovered.

Dr. Weiss encouraged us to visualize ourselves wrapped in beautiful light.  I found myself in a bubble of sorts.  The bubble was a womb and I was a fetus.  And I wasn't alone.  #1 was wrapped up with me.  Twins!  We were these tiny little human beings curled together in our mother's womb and we were surrounded by beautiful, loving light.  Dr. Weiss guided us to another place in that life and I found the two of us playing together outside.  We both had long brown hair tied back with ribbons and we were holding hands.  I was consumed by love - by her love.  It was amazing. It was healing.

I had other regressions that weekend which taught me other things, but this particular one induced a radical shift in the way I thought of my relationship with #1.  We have a relationship that is our own, apart from husbands and children.  It is possible that our connection spans lifetimes.  I am here on earth for her as much as I am here for anyone.  We are tethered together in the same way that I am tied to Big, to my BFF, to my sisters and my parents.

This regression helped me to diminish the challenging circumstance of our knowing each other in the here and now and see her has part of my eternal soul family.  We're just playing our roles this time around.  Regardless of what we feel for each other at any given moment on Earth, at a soul level there is nothing but absolute pure and beautiful love.  And if that's the way our perfect souls feel about each other, then why should we waste our time on Earth futzing with all these other emotions?  Why not just skip to the good stuff?

I shared a quote from Dr. Weiss' book Only Love Is Real yesterday:  "Measure time, if you must, in lessons learned, not minutes or hours or years.  You can cure yourself in five minutes if you come to the proper understanding.  Or in fifty years.  It is all the same thing."  I could've spent fifty years singing The Number Two Blues.  Fortunately for me, a weekend trip to Rhinebeck, New York provided me an opportunity to heal in five minutes.  The lesson is all the same.  But if you are open to healing on a higher level, you can sure cut out a lot of bullshit.

Through life's challenges, we are able to truly and deeply understand its goodness - and be grateful for it.  Thank you for one of the biggest lessons of my lifetime, #1.  ;-)  xoxoxoxox

Peace, love, gratitude,
V