removing mara's mask

this is mara, disguised as a loving god as buddha sat beneath the pipal tree

okay, so can i just share a quick revelation today?  some of you read every day and some pop in and out sporadically.  or maybe you just landed on my by accident today b/c you were googling something completely irrelevant.  regardless, i'm going to overshare a little more of my spiritual journey with you.  if it doesn't make sense and you care to see the way this personal realization unfolded feel free to scroll down and read the two power of now posts, the disposable planet post and the buddha post, all from this week and last.

my intention of this entry is to be less about me and more about the process of understanding fear and how fear dresses up like love in order to protect our humanness.

when mara appeared to buddha, he was always disguised - as a woman, as a loving spirit, whatever.  when mara spoke to buddha, he used loving words, he misled, he lied.  understanding how this sneaky little shit works, i realized something.  two years worth of meditations telling me to move up to new hampshire have not been from my loving spirit, they've been from mara.  they are meditative thoughts that were manifested out of fear.

for me, the fears are of large-scale natural disaster, of a population so huge we are unable to feed ourselves, of being swallowed by all of the packaging material that fills every shelf of every store in every town in every country, and of large-scale economic failure.  i'm a little embarrassed to admit this publicly, but i'm being painfully honest for the sake of my journey... and maybe yours, too.  so these are the thoughts that, when i let them in, keep me up at night and fill my face with marble-sized zits.  i'm not afraid of death but the idea of living through mass chaos or on a suffering earth is unbearable.   

i kept thinking god was trying to get a message through to me:  get your ass to the mountains and save your family from certain doom.  but, again, this was not my spirit speaking, it was mara (my ego).  so it's time to send that tricky bastard packing.  it's time to use my awareness to focus on decisions made through loving thoughts rather than fearful ones.  this may seem really simple or obvious or psych 101-ish, but it's a holy-shit-size moment for me.  i wanted to share it b/c i think it's a really good example of self-healing through meditation and spiritual understanding. 

i'm not sure i would've gotten here without this blog and without your support.  if you didn't read, i wouldn't write, so i thank you for helping me to recognize my personal demons. and thank god for chopra and tolle, two amazing teachers.  we are all connected.

peace, love and endless gratitude,
v