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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

i'm back. period.

i've been feeling a strong pull to come back to my blog and over-share once again.  it's hard to pick something back up when you've been away from it for a long time.  as they say, if you don't use it you lose it.  i find the sobering truth of that old line in almost everything i do:  exercise, cleaning, sex, writing, reading, meditating, yoga, cooking...  it only takes a few days or weeks of not practicing and suddenly we find ourselves with a hundred other things to fill those previously busy time slots.  we forget about those fundamentals that we used to be so diligent about performing, and suddenly we find it's really difficult to get back on the horse.  so i'm stealing another oldish line from nike tonight as i sit down in front of my computer and warm up my rusty fingers - just do it.  so here goes...

as i was cooking dinner tonight (well, not really cooking, more like assembling, because assembly (not cooking) of food is my culinary sweet spot), i contemplated the opening line for my first blog post back in so many months...  "you thought you were rid of me, but i'm back..."  "just when you thought you were free of my crazy spiritual rantings..."  that type of thing.  but then i stopped.

for as long as i can remember i've qualified my opinions, actions and choices in advance.  a little bit of self-deprecation to say, "i know i'm a little weird but i want you to know that i know i'm a little weird and i'm really okay with it, even if you're not."  or that classic example - instead of taking a compliment i put myself down or tell someone how cheaply i got my blah blah blah for.  all in the same vein of insecurity, right?

lately i've been making a conscious effort to not qualify my opinions, shortcomings and personal decisions.  sometimes even testing out bold one-liners like, "yes, i am pretty good at this, aren't i?"  i'm also (still) working hard on saying, "thank you."  now, in case you are like me and don't recognize that punctuation mark terminating this commentary, that's called a period.  if i could draw an arrow on your screen it would be pointing to that little dot after the letter "u".  i hardly ever use it after the words "thank you" because i'm usually continuing on like this, "thank you for giving my son a ride home, i'm a total moron and scheduled a doctor's appointment during pick up.  i suck," or, "thank you, i got it at target for 10 bucks," or, "thank you, i know some people think i'm a lunatic for exposing all of my deepest darkests on a blog but it's really been cathartic for me."  IS THIS NOT WHAT WE DO?  it's awful, isn't it?  and everyone does it!  and because everyone does it, we all continue to do it!

breaking the habit of issuing cheap excuses and self-belittlement for me has been a challenge.  it's not just with the thank-yous, it's with so many other things:

making excuses for not responding to emails:  i'm sorry, i guess it got buried in my inbox.

being the only woman at a table of 6 to order dessert after dinner:  i must be getting my period.

listing to my pastor the fifteen reasons i haven't been at church in a year:  it's so hard with three kids, and we've been skiing every weekend, oh, and then there's that little fact that i believe in reincarnation.

wheeling through the grocery while my kid is screaming:  so sorry fellow shoppers, my daughter missed snack time, i only slept for 3 hours last night, and goddamit i'm falling apart.  i am going to sweat like a pig for the next 20 minutes while my 3 year old melts the fuck down in the stop & shop then drive myself home sobbing big, fat tears of shame.

all of these comments are reflective of deep feelings of un-deservedness.  feelings of "i do not deserve to live the life that i want to live because all of these other people think of me in a certain way and i cannot disappoint them."

but whoa!  this isn't me!  this isn't you either!  we've been consciously working on our self-awareness, haven't we?  when we take a clear look at ourselves through our minds' eyes, we realize that this is not an accurate statement for ourselves.  we know better now, and now we have to let our habitual behaviors go.  let our conversation reflect who we are NOW - not who we were when we were 15.   we can do this, just through mindfulness.

okay, i'll go first.  this is me at 36, exactly the way i am.  these are my spiritual views, these are my fashion choices, these are my unexplained shortcomings, this is my messy house, these are my awesome children, these are the good and bad choices that i've made that have brought me to this place.  people can accept me or they don't have to.  it's okay either way because, on a soul level, we love each other.  because i am where i am supposed to be, who i am supposed to be, and i accept and love myself completely.  no put-downs.  no excuses.

alright, now your turn.

inside each of us is a brilliant, beautiful light.  a light that unifies.  a light that forgives.  a light that heals and loves.  a sacred light that is a chip off of heaven itself.  when we take a moment to sink into that light, we find limitless confidence and acceptance.  to do that godly light the honor it deserves, we need to respect ourselves, which means saying the toughest things to each other.  things like, "thank you.  period."

i just have to remind my mouth of this every once in awhile.  ;-)

peace, love, gratitude,