it all began four years ago when i opened my first metaphysical book. since then, i've read a thousand books, articles, blogs, watched countless you tube meditations and attended seminars whenever i can. and i've loved it. chopra, napthali, taylor, weiss, HH, peele, tolle, coehlo, bailey, dyer, hanh, virtue, moody... i've studied and admired them all - and dozens more.
after being so consumed with helping-my-Self, i've finally reached the point of overload. there are just so many goddam things to work on... so many humanisms to accept, so many moments to capture, so many plastic bottles to recycle, so many habits to resolve, so many breaths to take, so many big ideas to comprehend, so many meals to cook from scratch, so many yoga poses to practice, so many children who require patience, so many meditations to explore, so many past lives to uncover, so many journal entries to write, so many wrongs to right, so many so many so many so many SO MANY!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! FFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is this strange? am i crazy? has anyone else out there survived self-helpitis? what do you do when you know what you have to do but just can't find the mental discipline to do it all?
it's as if i have changed and am changing so many things about my life and within my life that, in my search for balance, i'm about to flip over the backside of the rocker. b/c no matter what i do to change, i'm still this ego-driven human being, schlepping around the burdens of earthly life.
when we are mindful, we constantly encounter what i call "tiny shifts" - little realizations that may seem insignificant or obvious, but when experienced in just the right way, at just the right time, provide us with a slight shift in perspective and forever change the way we view ourselves in the world. these tiny shifts have brought me to what feels like a tipping point.
while tipping, my internal pendulum is swinging wildly and frantically from all of these tiny shifts. i'm trying to objectively observe, trying to wait patiently for that pendulum to settle into a peaceful, rhythmic tic-toc. but it's hard. so hard.
i understand so much and know what needs to be done but actually doing it is incredibly difficult. recently, i've been falling back into various old routines that i had once confidently abandoned. it's as if, when i'm working hard on *that one thing*, committing my entirety to *that one thing*, my abandoned sub personalities creep back to the surface of my psyche and start messing with my life. they think i'm not paying attention and start acting up. those little bastards.
i can only assume that this is normal. but honestly, it's tough to function like a normal person when your ego and your higher self are at war with each other.
shit.
peace. yah, yah. love and gratitude, too.
v
p.s.
gold star to anyone who picked up on the papa gino's reference in the title.
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