mood is a funny thing. it's even funny to say. moooooood. i blame a grey mood for my slacking this past week.
i haven't written since last thursday. the days are just sort of happening. i feel like i've been sloshing through the daylight hours aimlessly and i'm not really focusing on anything. it's a strange, foggy state of existence, one that actually happens to me a couple times a year. i putz around at home, do the bare minimum amount of work, say strange or pointless things in casual conversation, wear sweats and no make up, forget to take my kids to swim class, and the list goes on. typically when this fuzzy mood swings in, the only people who know are my very closest friends and my hubby. my homegirls know b/c i fall off the radar for a week or two. my hubby knows b/c i spend 3 hours in front of the TV each night without uttering a word. what's interesting about this particular dip is that it's happening before an audience. some of you may have noticed i haven't posted since last week.
i haven't been blogging b/c i feel vacant - and maybe a little tired of the pressures and expectations that come along with the simple act of living. for me, this vacancy is a neutral feeling. i'm mindful of it but not beating myself up for it. these are the days i just have to get through. breathe, eat, sleep, get the kids to school, walk the dog. the basics. they'll pass.
but it's in life's foggy moments that i am able to reflect from a unique perspective. feeling void or confusion forces me to refocus and think about challenges. so that's what i'm doing.
my biggest challenge in life is discipline. and so it happens, one of my goals in starting this blog was to start practicing discipline. (write every day for 1 year save vacations and life-gets-in-the-way moments.) discipline and commitment issues have plagued me since i can remember. i think this is because i so Love change.
i am stimulated, invigorated, impassioned by the idea of starting something new. but through this blogging experience i have found that discipline can inspire change - specifically transformation. discipline is the open door to evolution. by forcing myself to write daily (well, almost daily) about spirituality, i have taken the time to read, explore, focus and analyze this journey earthly journey in a way that has allowed me to begin to transform.
b/c of the time and energy i've committed to writing, i've said no to a slew of other things so i could focus mainly on my spiritual evolution. i've learned about healing and peace through meditation, reiki certification and a thousand quiet moments. i've learned about me, sometimes surprising myself with "a-ha moments" while simply typing. i've learned about you during vis-a-vis chats and through your posts, your emails, your phone calls. what an incredible blessing. in the end i think that this discipline has led me to richer, purer relationships, with myself and others. i am so grateful. and when i'm filled with big, beautiful gratitude, it's impossible to feel empty and alone.
geez, i'm feeling better already. and a peek out the window tells me the sun is coming out again. god is good.