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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

worst fear

apologies for radio silence.  i'm in miami this week and have had trouble getting online to post.  getting personal today.  nervous to share this message but my gut is saying i should.  here goes.

japan.  "i'm alive but i don't know if it's good or bad.  i don't know if it's good or bad that i survived."  this woman on the street interview was taped by CNN this week.  she is living my deepest fear and it breaks my heart. 

since 9/11 i have have horrible nightmares and sporadically obsessive thoughts about various types of disasters - terrorist attacks, tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and such.  even though i live in new england, a relatively benine area, these thoughts have plaqued my mind for years, affecting me to my core.

a couple of years ago, i made the mistake of watching a history channel show about 2012.  mayan calendar predictions, polar shift, natural disasters, world's end.  not good.  this information sent me into an emotional tailspin.  i became sad and privately depressed.  when discussing future plans i'd think, "oh, it doesn't matter, we won't make it that far anyway."  my kids would say things like, "how old will i be when i have babies?"  and my eyes would fill up with tears b/c i didn't think they'd live to see that day.  all i could think about was "the end" and i stopped living in "the now". 

this next part is embarrassing to me but i'm going to share it b/c i think it's such an obvious example of the universe at work in human reality. 

so when this melancholy was peaking, i developed an enormous abscess on my chin.  it was the size of half a golf ball.  it was horribly ugly and painful.  the skin was stretching and aching and i holed up in my house for a couple of weeks.  after several trips to the dermatologist and weeks of antibiotics, the atrocious lump drained (gross) and flattened out but the scar literally remains. 

as i began to physically recover, i became very aware that the timing of this abscess was not a coincidence.  i truly know that this was god telling me loud and clear, "LISTEN UP, YOU FOOL!  These thoughts will be your ruin!  TRUST IN ME!  TRUST IN YOU!" 

so i started working really hard to make a shift in my thinking, to beat off the fear with a big fat stick by reprogramming my mind to think more lovingly at its center.  i read books like "the secret" and "messages from the masters", "your soul's plan" and "be the change".  and a change started to happen. 

i found a loving and open core through trust in the universe.  i began to understand that i planned this life for myself.  whatever happens in the future is exactly what is meant to be.  i am here to learn and evolve.  when i'm done with this lifetime, i will "go home" and continue my evolution.  until that time, i need to live NOW, in this moment.  it also helped that my husband directed me to websites and materials that said simply, "the mayans ran out of ink.  we'll all be fine."

unfortunately i've had a relaspe since, b/c change, as we all know, doesn't happen overnight.  change is an insanely long, at times grueling process with ups and downs and big setbacks and small victories.  case in point, last summer those horrible fears crept back into my mind.  i started reading ominous websites, tossing and turning in bed, losing sleep, thinking stormy thoughts.  and surprise, surprise.  my skin brok out again - this time perioral dermatitis.  oh yes, the universe doesn't fuck around with me anymore - God goes straight for my vanity.  "What the fuck are you doing, Vanessa???  Stop thinking about this bullshit!  You are destroying yourself and your family.  Remember why you are here and the beauty present in this moment!  Do your best NOW!  Now get with the program, woman, or I'm turning your face into a pepperoni pizza."

okay, okay, god, i get it.  i freak out, i break out.  simple cause and effect.  i internalized the message and spent a month clearing up my visage with super strong antibiotics which tore up my stomach and i ened up suffering extraordinarily painful heartburn for 2 weeks, lost 15 pounds and asked santa for a case of prevacid for christmas.  lesson learned.  whew.  considering what other people have to suffer through when the universe bitch slaps them into sanity, i'm not going to complain too much. 

i've been in a good place for a couple of months... and then japan.  i'm trying not to watch the news too much b/c i know i'll feel it too deeply.  but i occasionally get a glimpse of my worst fears coming to life.  seeing this gigantor mess unfold has actually brought some closure for me.  it happened.  i can see it.  the japanese are pulling their shit together.  they are inspiring the world.  those who are gone are safe at home in the universe.  those who are still here on Earth are here for a reason.  they need to help each other, heal each other.  they will rebuild their homes and schools.  it will be hard but they will connect again, smile again, continue on.  they will live their now and discover their destinies.  the same destiny that they planned out themselves before they were born. 

being alive or dead is not good or bad.  it just is.  those who survive have more work to do - a little more time to fulfill their life purposes here on earth.  others have finished their earthly jobs and are safe in heaven.  i know it's not that simple for those living through crisis, but each of us possess this beautiful light that shines even in the darkest hours.  that's why we are here - to shine. 

fear sucks.  love trumps all.  thanks for "listening".  share if you dare.  xox


"Start brining out that Superpower - that energy, spirit and wisdom we have." 
(yoko ono with piers morgan talking about her peeps on CNN monday night.)


  1. Dear Vanessa - It is really amazing that so many people know about 2012 but they do not know the whole story- Nostradamus wrote that 2012 there will be huge changes - Yes there will be tsunamis and fires and floods and earthquakes BUT and yes the BUT part is possibly where they ran out of ink - The world will come to an end AS WE NOW KNOW IT - Look at the transformation that has happened just in your story - out of the turmoil that these "disasters" have created in you - you have emerged as someone different - inside your world even - it is different than you have known it- Look at what we have right now - we have over population, we have famine, we have disease, we have poverty on much bigger scales - and we as humans have proven that we do not listen until the SLEDGE HAMMER HITS - we get little taps - a flood - an earthquake - we all sit in horror and then we make changes - Time goes by and we get a little more lax and the financial sectors AS WE HAVE KNOWN THEM come to a complete end - but they rise again - differently - we adjust - we pick up the pieces and maybe this time - we do things differently - BUT time goes on and we start to forget again - AND BOOM - CRASH - a devastating eartquake that rocks our entire Universe because it could be us - we watch in horror - BUT WE WILL make changes because of it - We are starting to think that MAYBE NUCLEAR ( finally we have a President who can pronounce it correctly) POWER is not such a good idea - THIS WILL MAKE BIG CHANGES - and YES we will have to make sacrifices - We WILL CHANGE OUR WAYS - BECAUSE WE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE! And we will continue on down these lines until we finally get that we are connected - we ARE indeed ONE - and when we all get together - which eventually we will - we will change the Universe as we know it because the time has come where we are finally starting to listen.

    Energy is very powerful - the power of love is amazing - If you have a room full of hate - the building will burn down - If you have a building full of love - people will heal - So work on putting your love out to as many people as you can - especially to those who need it most - the ones in the building that is burning - If we all start to send love to Japan ( it was not long ago that we hated them) - we will help to heal.

  2. I didn't know any of that about 2012, but I do know I want to give you a gigantic hug because you deserve it.
    enjoy your trip

  3. thanks, girls. especially margie. i never thought of the fear being a catalyst for positive universal change and i'm really happy that you pointed that out. it makes me feel like the fear has a purpose - not just a crappy, pointless state of mind. i'm reading a book now called "frequency" by penney peirce. i'm only half way through but she suggests that the shift in 2012 will be an uplifting of our consciousness - evolution of the human race as an elevation in energetic frequency. i've heard this theory before but she goes into more detail. the more i read the more i KNOW that our little bodies are full of energy that can move mountains. it's comforting...

    deb, i'll collect when i see you! and mb, <3 U 2. ;-)