worst fear

apologies for radio silence.  i'm in miami this week and have had trouble getting online to post.  getting personal today.  nervous to share this message but my gut is saying i should.  here goes.

japan.  "i'm alive but i don't know if it's good or bad.  i don't know if it's good or bad that i survived."  this woman on the street interview was taped by CNN this week.  she is living my deepest fear and it breaks my heart. 

since 9/11 i have have horrible nightmares and sporadically obsessive thoughts about various types of disasters - terrorist attacks, tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and such.  even though i live in new england, a relatively benine area, these thoughts have plaqued my mind for years, affecting me to my core.

a couple of years ago, i made the mistake of watching a history channel show about 2012.  mayan calendar predictions, polar shift, natural disasters, world's end.  not good.  this information sent me into an emotional tailspin.  i became sad and privately depressed.  when discussing future plans i'd think, "oh, it doesn't matter, we won't make it that far anyway."  my kids would say things like, "how old will i be when i have babies?"  and my eyes would fill up with tears b/c i didn't think they'd live to see that day.  all i could think about was "the end" and i stopped living in "the now". 

this next part is embarrassing to me but i'm going to share it b/c i think it's such an obvious example of the universe at work in human reality. 

so when this melancholy was peaking, i developed an enormous abscess on my chin.  it was the size of half a golf ball.  it was horribly ugly and painful.  the skin was stretching and aching and i holed up in my house for a couple of weeks.  after several trips to the dermatologist and weeks of antibiotics, the atrocious lump drained (gross) and flattened out but the scar literally remains. 

as i began to physically recover, i became very aware that the timing of this abscess was not a coincidence.  i truly know that this was god telling me loud and clear, "LISTEN UP, YOU FOOL!  These thoughts will be your ruin!  TRUST IN ME!  TRUST IN YOU!" 

so i started working really hard to make a shift in my thinking, to beat off the fear with a big fat stick by reprogramming my mind to think more lovingly at its center.  i read books like "the secret" and "messages from the masters", "your soul's plan" and "be the change".  and a change started to happen. 

i found a loving and open core through trust in the universe.  i began to understand that i planned this life for myself.  whatever happens in the future is exactly what is meant to be.  i am here to learn and evolve.  when i'm done with this lifetime, i will "go home" and continue my evolution.  until that time, i need to live NOW, in this moment.  it also helped that my husband directed me to websites and materials that said simply, "the mayans ran out of ink.  we'll all be fine."

unfortunately i've had a relaspe since, b/c change, as we all know, doesn't happen overnight.  change is an insanely long, at times grueling process with ups and downs and big setbacks and small victories.  case in point, last summer those horrible fears crept back into my mind.  i started reading ominous websites, tossing and turning in bed, losing sleep, thinking stormy thoughts.  and surprise, surprise.  my skin brok out again - this time perioral dermatitis.  oh yes, the universe doesn't fuck around with me anymore - God goes straight for my vanity.  "What the fuck are you doing, Vanessa???  Stop thinking about this bullshit!  You are destroying yourself and your family.  Remember why you are here and the beauty present in this moment!  Do your best NOW!  Now get with the program, woman, or I'm turning your face into a pepperoni pizza."

okay, okay, god, i get it.  i freak out, i break out.  simple cause and effect.  i internalized the message and spent a month clearing up my visage with super strong antibiotics which tore up my stomach and i ened up suffering extraordinarily painful heartburn for 2 weeks, lost 15 pounds and asked santa for a case of prevacid for christmas.  lesson learned.  whew.  considering what other people have to suffer through when the universe bitch slaps them into sanity, i'm not going to complain too much. 

i've been in a good place for a couple of months... and then japan.  i'm trying not to watch the news too much b/c i know i'll feel it too deeply.  but i occasionally get a glimpse of my worst fears coming to life.  seeing this gigantor mess unfold has actually brought some closure for me.  it happened.  i can see it.  the japanese are pulling their shit together.  they are inspiring the world.  those who are gone are safe at home in the universe.  those who are still here on Earth are here for a reason.  they need to help each other, heal each other.  they will rebuild their homes and schools.  it will be hard but they will connect again, smile again, continue on.  they will live their now and discover their destinies.  the same destiny that they planned out themselves before they were born. 

being alive or dead is not good or bad.  it just is.  those who survive have more work to do - a little more time to fulfill their life purposes here on earth.  others have finished their earthly jobs and are safe in heaven.  i know it's not that simple for those living through crisis, but each of us possess this beautiful light that shines even in the darkest hours.  that's why we are here - to shine. 

fear sucks.  love trumps all.  thanks for "listening".  share if you dare.  xox

peace,
v

"Start brining out that Superpower - that energy, spirit and wisdom we have." 

(yoko ono with piers morgan talking about her peeps on CNN monday night.)